Sophistigay Conversations with Nicky Bennett

Last night's It's My Treat was with the Sexy Santa, Nicky Bennett. (I didn't ask if I could call him that, so hope he doesn't mind) I am good friends with one of his friends, so I have known a little about him for years, but I don't think we have ever had a conversation where our mutual friend was not a part of it. That all changed at this meal filled with conversation. A few people have been confused by my first post of the year saying that I was going to do experiences instead of just meals for this project. I want to clarify that meals will still be a big part of it, but with the added bonus of sometimes incorporating experiences.

Let's set things up before we get to the meal. Nicky is friends with my friend Lillie Duncanson (you can look up her time on It's My Treat if you want to know more about her). I worked with her at WILL, the PBS/NPR station here in town. Nicky also works there now, so it was interesting to catch up a little about his thoughts on my old stomping ground. He says he likes his work and co-workers, so that seems to be going well. I asked him what type of work he would want to do if he didn't work there, and he told me he would want to help people with addiction problems ge the medical care they need and get them tested for HIV and other diseases and provide them with methods for reducing their risks associated with sharing needles and other drug use related issues. I am glad that he is happy with his work at WILL and wouldn't want to deprive them of the great employee that I am sure he is, but man that sounds like his other interest is very important work that would be great to have someone like him doing. Maybe he can do some volunteering for that type of thing on the weekends or something. If any of you know places that provide that type of services that might need some help, let me know.

OK, enough of work talk, let's get started at Merry Ann's Diner, Nicky's choice for the restaurant. This long time Champaign establishment has an iconic history in the city. When it was first recommended, I was thinking that I wasn't sure if I had ever been to that location. I had spent many late nights at the one downtown (unfortunately now closed), but I couldn't remember going to the original one on Neil St. Once I got there, my memory was jogged, and it all came rushing back. I used to go there way back in the day. Must have been mid 90's. It was a long time ago, but it still seemed very familiar.

Before we get to the food, I just want to give a shout out to Alejandra, out waitress. She was so nice and didn't even rush us out as we took up her table for hours. I always appreciate good wait staff. I had my usual cheeseburger, and Nicky just went for dessert, some apple pie à la mode (that's fancy speak for ice cream on top). Pie looked good and the burger was good too.

Now on to the conversation. We talked a lot about different types of gay male relationship. Some, like Nicky, are looking for a deeply loving relationship that connects on many levels. Others, (not naming names because I never ask their names), are just in it for happy fun times. I called what he was looking for as a professional gay relationship, but he didn't like that description because it made it sound like prostitution. So, I instead chose sophisticated gay relationships, which Nicky wondrously combined into the new term Sophistigay! Love that.

But we didn't just talk about sexual and romantic relationships, Nicky brought up other types of relationships that fall more in line with different levels of friendships. Like just having a bud to hang out with, or maybe closer to have someone who knows you better and is like a brother. In my experience, I don't see a lot of that type of friendships among my gay friends. Seems to be more common among straight guys. But then again, you don't see as many male/female close friend relationships in the straight world. I don't want to say that there are never any relationships like that, but it doesn't seem to be at the same number or level as straight guys have with each other.

Seems like there should be more friend relationships for gay guys, but when talking about it, there was a conundrum, where do you find guys like that. Most apps and such cater to either the relationship or sex aspect of meeting people. Right now, there is only one gay bar in town that I know of (but I think there is another opening soon). Problem with that, as with most of this town, it seems that it is filled with younger people. There has to be places where (slightly) older guys can hang out and become friends. We need a new space that is like a lounge with comfortable seating, a bar, inexpensive drinks and maybe some bar games like pool or darts or similar. Have some music that isn't too loud, so it is easy to have conversations. Wouldn't that be neat. Someone put that place together.

I won't go too in depth into it, but Nicky did open up and share his story about a horrible relationship he was in before moving back to Champaign. He was with a guy for many years who was emotionally and mentally abusive. Things started off great, but as time went on it gradually got more and more abusive. It was so gradual that he didn't even notice how bad it was getting. I have seen this pattern in a lot of abusive relationships, and people from the outside judge the victims for allowing themselves to get to that situation. That seems to be doubly traumatizing people. I hope that we can all have more empathy and caring for people who are hurting.

The reason I wanted to bring this up, is Nicky said that there were very few resources for gay men who were in abusive relationships. Because most of abuse is targeted toward women, the majority of services are targeted toward them. That makes a lot of sense, but there should also be some place that others can turn to also. Nicky has been out of the relationship for a while now and is making progress toward healing and recovery, but I know I have a lot of followers who work in social services or with the lgbt community, so if any of you know of local (or perhaps online) resources out there for men suffering, could you leave a comment with suggestions for places to turn to.

But on a lighter note, as we were leaving, I suggested hanging out again and Nicky suggested bowling. I have bowled one time in my life, and I think I was like ten years old, so I did not do well. I think I got like a 17 or something. So, you may soon see another adventure It's My Treat from a bowling alley near you. And I'll leave you with a link to a video that I did a million years ago while I worked at WILL about cosmic bowling. vimeo.com/83336339

Let's Go Bowling!